Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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