Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
