Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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