Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
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I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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