Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
