I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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