I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
