I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
