I'm gonna have a badass scar
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
