I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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