Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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