when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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