Banned from zoo.
Again?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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