I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
