i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
