like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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