I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
