I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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