I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The adults are the big ones right?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
