areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
