I faked an abortion last night.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
