Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
