Will you blow on my dice?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
