Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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