Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
