Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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