Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
