Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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