one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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