I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Let's get the cat blown out
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
