That's intense
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
