it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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