Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
