He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
