Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
