you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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