the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
