Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
