How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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