did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
