Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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