You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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