Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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