he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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