I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
