Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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