I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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