what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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