You're my little dorito
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
