I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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