I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
