hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
