nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
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according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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