Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
