I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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