you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She swung at the pinata with crutches
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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