I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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