sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
