I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
