I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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